Love and Loss



Today marks the beginning of what will likely be an emotional week.  Today my "second mom", Linda  Lundeen (affectionately known to me as Mama L) went home to be with Jesus.  It's been about 7 hours since she made this journey, and it seems strange and wonderful to me that she is somewhere where time means nothing anymore.  To her it will be merely a blink of an eye before she sees us again.  To those still here it will seem much longer.

For those of you reading this and have only known me a short time you may not even know about my feelings and beliefs about life and death and everything in between.  I'll be honest, neither do I.  I can tell you that Mama L was an important figure in my childhood and helped my mom steer me in the direction a God-fearing child should go.  But anyone who knows me at all (short or long time) knows that you can lead a horse to water... ;-)  I was brought up in a home with parents of two polar opposites.  My mom is secure in the knowledge that her Heavenly Father is always watching out for her, taking care of her, and has a place prepared for her in Heaven to welcome her to when her time comes.  My father was essentially and athiest.  Strange...yes.

This brings us to me.  What do I believe?  Well I definately believe in God, I believe that God sent Jesus to our earth and he died a most gruesome death for us.  I believe God has my best interests in mind and that I am truly His child.

My problems have come in dealing with all the earth stuff.  I'm a big questioner, I need to know "why" something is for me to accept it.  I need to know why I had the father I did, I need to know why God let certain things happen to me.  I need to know why my baby was born with a defect that will affect her entire life even though I did everything right in the pregnancy.  I need to know why people who claim to be leaders in a church think they are so much more important than those who are not called to lead.  I need to know why they think they have the right to judge others and impose their own opinions and non-bible-based theories on others.  I need to know why my mom lost her parents and her brother at such a young age.  And now I need to know why Mama L had to leave her children and grand-children behind at the age of 59.  Why?

My sister said something to me a few months ago, which I've been mulling over ever since.  I can't remember her exact words, but we were having a loving conversation and I know she could sense my frustration and anger at my situations and at God.  She gently suggested maybe I go back to church.  I kind of blew it off but to be honest I've been thinking alot about it.  Why haven't I gone back, well the answer is simple really:  I'm scared.  Scared to become attached to people who will let me down, scared to open myself and my children to the possibility of people, who claim to love Jesus, turning around and judging us.  But then I got to thinking, if I've completely quit talking and listening to God, how will He ever have the opportunity to answer all my "why's"?

So tonight I will start small, with a prayer for my dear friends who have lost their mother and wife, for my mommy who has lost her great friend and for me.  This is actually a song, one that my Grandma (also a strong Christian woman) really loved.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.